Talk about money early, argue about it less

Many of us were raised to believe that talking about money while dating is unromantic, or even unspiritual. Ask about it too early and you look like you are only interested in what the other person has. Leave it too late and you can find yourself engaged to someone whose habits, debts and expectations you never really understood.

Researchers who have followed thousands of married couples have found that arguments about money early in a marriage are among the strongest warning signs for the relationship, and that this held whatever the couple earned or owed. In other words, it wasn’t how much money couples had that predicted trouble. It was how well they could talk about it.

That is good news, because talking is something you can learn to do before you marry.

Money is a spiritual conversation

Scripture talks about money a great deal, and rarely in the way we expect. It doesn’t ask us to pretend money doesn’t matter. It asks us to hold it rightly.

• Stewardship. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much” (Luke 16:10). How someone handles what they have today tells you something about their character.
• Provision. Providing for your household is a responsibility, not a luxury (1 Timothy 5:8).
• Contentment. “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have” (Hebrews 13:5).
• Planning. Jesus describes the builder who sits down first to count the cost (Luke 14:28). Marriage is worth counting the cost of, together.

So talking about money isn’t worldly. Judging someone by their salary is. The goal is to find out whether your values line up, not to find the highest earner.

“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost?”Luke 14:28

The money questions that matter in Kenya

Every culture has its own money pressures. For couples in Kenya, a few come up again and again:

• Ruracio and wedding costs. What do both families expect, who contributes, and how much debt are you willing to take on for one day?
• Supporting family. Many of us help parents, siblings or relatives with school fees, rent or medical bills. That is a good thing, but a spouse needs to know about it and agree on how it will work once you share a home.
• Tithing and giving. Do you both tithe? On what? Is giving decided together or separately?
• Debt. HELB, car loans, mobile loans, money owed to friends. Debts don’t disappear at the altar. They become part of the household.
• Side hustles, chamas and investments. What are you each involved in, and how much of your income is already committed?
• Who provides. One main provider, both working, or flexible? Couples often assume rather than ask.

When to talk about what

Nobody wants a payslip on the first date. Money conversations work best when they grow with the relationship.

What not to do

• Don’t lead with salary. Asking what someone earns before you know who they are tells them what you value most.
• Don’t judge by income. James 2 warns against favouring people because of their wealth. A faithful, hardworking person on a modest salary may be a far better partner than a high earner with no self-control.
• Don’t hide things. If you have debt or obligations, say so before things become serious. Trust built on honesty survives hard seasons.
• Don’t go it alone. Pastors, mentors and premarital counsellors have seen these conversations many times. Use them.

How Ahadi approaches money

Ahadi will never rank or filter people by salary. Instead, member profiles will include a short section on financial values, such as giving, saving and how you see providing for a home, so that you can find people who share your outlook and have better conversations from the start.